My Unknown Future

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."- Corrie Ten Boom

I LOVE that quote, and I've been thinking a lot about it lately. As most, if not all, of you know I was planning on serving a full time mission for the LDS church. I was hoping to start that service sometime this summer and therefore return home sometime around the beginning of 2014. After that I planned to find a job, work for a while, and then hopefully start grad school to receive my Master's degree in the fall. That was my plan at least.

But, as I mentioned in the last post, life rarely turns out as you planned. I found out 3 weeks ago that I had been honorably excused from a full time mission; but I still have the option of serving a local service mission if I'm interested. I was obviously disappointed with this news. I had been really looking forward to having the "missionary experience" for myself. I was so excited to go out there and serve the Lord, converting every person I came into contact with. ;) (Kidding- I'm not that naive about what missionary work is really all about!) But I really was excited to go out and share my testimony of the Gospel with others. The Gospel means everything to me and I want others to have that amazing blessing in their lives too.

And while I'm still a little disappointed, I'm truly at peace with the decision made by the brethren on this matter. Not only do I truly believe they are inspired, but from the time my mission papers had been submitted to when I received the news, my parents, the Stake President, and I had all been fasting in behalf of the brethren that they would know without a doubt the Lord's will concerning me. Because we'd been fasting and praying for weeks prior, when I received the news, I did have peace (after some time processing the disappointment) because I knew without a doubt that this was the Lord's will, and a full time mission wasn't what He wanted me to be doing.

Therefore I now have to figure out exactly what it is He does want me to be doing right now. And that's overwhelming to me. It's kind of disorienting when you realize that the 18 months you had set aside in your life for a specific purpose is no longer happening, and those 18 months are all of the sudden wide open. Lots of questions arise. Questions such as: Should I take the opportunity to serve a local mission? What are the options associated with that and which do I choose out of those options? Do I serve a local mission for only 6 or 12 months, and return to school in the fall of '13 rather than in the fall of '14? or do I still go back in the fall of '14 and serve longer? Do I serve a local mission while working, or just find a job?

***Some info for those who may not know a whole lot about local service missions. You live at home and serve between 8-32 hours a week. Meaning it is entirely possible to still work, or go to school AND serve a local mission. There are lots of different options from working in an office for institutes/seminaries, working at the Family History Center, even farming.***

There's a lot of "what ifs..." and "what about..." going around in my head right now. I do know that I am definitely not ready to turn my back on a mission altogether, and am very much interested in the possibility of serving locally. There is much good to be done here, and I know that I don't have to go far away to serve the Lord.

I also know that I will eventually go back to school for a Master's degree. That's just a matter of when, not if (oh... and where... and what program <-- see how complicated things get so fast?!?!).

If you know me, you know I like knowing what to expect. I like having a plan. This not knowing where exactly I'm heading and what I'll be doing in 2, 6, 12 months from now is killing me.

So... going back to the quote at the beginning of this humongous post- I desperately want to follow the Lord's path for my life, whatever that might be. I know that His path will be a lot better and lead to much more happiness than any path I might come up with for myself. I just don't know exactly how to figure out what that path is. I feel like I'm stuck in this rut and have no idea how to get out of it and on the road and pointed in the direction I need to be. If this post is confusing and makes no sense- good! Maybe you'll have a slight sense of how I'm feeling at this time!

However, to end on a positive note, I know that the Lord loves me and is always aware of me. Because of His love for me He continuously guides my life. (Which never ceases to amaze me. Of all that's going on in the world- heck the universe!- and He loves me enough to be concerned, and involved in my life. How amazing is that?!) I know the Lord has a plan for my life, and all things work for my good (if I allow them to of course). I know if I put my faith and trust in Him, my life will work out exactly how it's supposed to. I am excited to see where the Lord ends up directing my life, and what's around this next bend that I'm currently upon right now. I just wish it wasn't so stressful traveling that bend.

A Bend in the Road...

Happy & Grateful

All I can say is... AMEN!!! One thing I have definitely learned in my 21 years (almost 22) of life is... life rarely ever turns out like you think it will or should. But there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for!!!

Why So Serious?

Wow- this blog has sure been pretty deep and heavy so far hasn't it? I promise it won't always be like that. And to prove it- here's what I think is a hilarious exchange between me and my 4 year old niece, Kate (who will be 5 at the end of June- crazy!), when I went out to Florida about 2 weeks ago:

While Kate is taking a bath, she out of NOWHERE starts the following conversation...

Kate: Are you going to marry a short person?
Me: I don't know. Do you think it would be weird if I married a tall person?
Kate: Yes.
Me: Why?
Kate: Because you're short.
Me: Oh. Okay. Well if you find a short person for me to marry you let me know okay?
Kate: Okay.

So there you have it folks. I officially have my 4 year old niece on the job of finding my spouse. I feel like I'm in really good hands. Wouldn't you agree? I mean with a cute face like that... how could she NOT come through for me?!

P.S. I'd love to know how long she was thinking about this matter before she actually asked me about it. I love the way kids minds think!!

Kate's on the right. Kylie's on the left (18 months). How did I get so lucky to have such ADORABLE nieces?!?!

Calvin Spencer Jackman

1 month. It's been one month since the day that everything changed. I can't believe how slowly and fast time can go by all at once. It seems like everything happened so long ago, and yet it also seems like it was all just last week.

While I have reached a place of peace, my heart still hurts. It hurts for Spencer and Tiffany. But also for me. I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews- especially when they're babies. My mom and I will even fight with each other over whose turn it is to hold a baby. And it broke my heart knowing that when I held him in the hospital for a few precious moments, that would be the only time I would ever be able to hold him in this lifetime. It also broke my heart going into the hospital room after he was delivered and seeing Tiffany holding Calvin, crying and then look down at him and say, "I wanted you so much." I truly have not seen a couple be more excited to be parents than Tiffany and Spencer.

During this whole experience I just kept thinking over and over (among a lot of other thoughts that kept running through my mind) how grateful I was to have the Gospel. To have the assurance that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what the reasons are. To know that there is SO much more than this mortal experience- death is NOT the end! Families can be, and are, eternal. Spencer and Tiffany will be given the opportunity to raise their son in the Millennium. He is a part of our family forever, and we all will see and hold him again. All of that knowledge that I've gained from the Gospel gives me so much peace and comfort. Additionally, to know that the Savior provided an Atonement that not only takes away our sins through repentance, but also takes away our pains, sorrows, disappointments, etc. if we allow it has been a priceless blessing. How do people survive this world without that knowledge?!

I have always loved the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation. I always said that knowledge of the Plan of Salvation is what made this life all worth it. My love and appreciate for the Plan has deepened since the addition of Calvin in our family. I was already anxious for the next lifetime to receive a perfected body. Now I can't WAIT because then I'll also be reunited with Calvin. I honestly am so excited to get to know his sweet personality/spirit someday.

While I would never willingly choose to have my family go through this trial, I have loved the blessings that have come through this trial. Namely our family growing closer together. Our family is already close, but we're even closer now. And for me personally, especially to Tiffany. I already loved her before. But now she's not my "sister-in-law", she's just my sister. I know that sounds kind of cheesy- but I mean it. The examples of strength and love between Spencer and Tiffany through everything have been such a blessing and given me so much peace and comfort.

Because this post is already long, I'll wrap it all up with sharing the sentiments Ralph Sartori (a family friend, currently serving as a mission president in Russia) expressed to Spencer and Tiffany that was also shared at the memorial service. That was that this was just a "postponement of joy". I love that. What a beautifully positive way to view this whole experience. And it is so true. The reunions between everyone and Calvin is going to be so joyous.

I would love to share photos of him with you. But I feel that those photos are not mine to share. Tiffany has posted pictures on her blog, but her blog is private. As mine is not- I will not be posting pictures. They are too precious and sacred to share with just anyone who might happen upon this blog of mine. But just imagine 5 lbs. 9 oz., 18 1/2 inches long of absolute perfection!! :) He looked so much like Spencer, but definitely had touches of Tiffany in his lips and nose, and had her dark hair. I can't wait to hold him again. I love you so much Calvin!!

From Facebook- 3 Levels of Christmas

Yeah I know, it's not Christmas time, and won't be for awhile. But I don't want to wait that long to post this. I just want to be done with all the "From Facebook" stuff. So here ya go...

Originally posted on Facebook Dec. 2011

The Three Levels of Christmas

"For Christmas is a beautiful time of the year. We love the excitement, the giving spirit, the special awareness of and appreciation for family and friends, the feelings of love and brotherhood that bless our gatherings at Christmastime.

In all the joyousness, it is well to reflect that Christmas comes in three levels:

Let’s call the first the 'Santa Claus level.' It’s the level of Christmas trees and holly, of whispered secrets and colorful packages, of candlelight and rich food and warm open houses. It’s carolers in the shopping malls, excited children, and weary but loving parents. It’s a lovely time of special warmth and caring and giving. It’s the level at which we eat too much and spend too much and do too much–and enjoy every minute of it. We love the Santa Claus level of Christmas.

But there’s a higher, more beautiful level. Let’s call it the 'Silent Night level.' It’s the level of all our glorious Christmas carols, of that beloved, familiar story: 'Now in those days there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus…' It’s the level of the crowded inn, and the silent holy moment in a dark stable when the Son of Man came to earth. It’s shepherds on a steep, bare hill near Bethlehem, angels with their glad tidings, a new star in the East, wise men traveling far in search of the Holy One. How beautiful and meaningful it is; how infinitely poorer we would be without this sacred second level of Christmas.

The trouble is, these two levels don’t last. They can’t. Twelve days of Christmas, at the first level, is about all most of us can stand. It’s too intense, too extravagant. The tree dries out and the needles fall. The candles burn down. The beautiful wrappings go out with he trash, the carolers are up on the ski slopes, the toys break, and the biggest day the stores in the entire year is exchange day, December 26.

The feast is over and the dieting begins. But the lonely and the hungry are with us still perhaps lonelier and hungrier than before.

Lovely and joyous as the first level of Christmas is, there will come a day, very soon, when Mother will put away the decorations and vacuum the living room and think, 'Thank goodness that’s over for another year.'

Even the second level, the level of the Baby Jesus, can’t last. How many times this season can you sing 'Silent Night'? The angels and the star and the shepherd, even the silent, sacred mystery of that holy night itself, can’t long satisfy humanity’s basic need. The man who keeps Christ in the manger will, in the end, be disappointed and empty.

No, for Christmas to last all year long, for it to grow in beauty and meaning and purpose, for it to have the power to change lives, we must celebrate it at the third level, that of the adult Christ. It is at this level–not as an infant–that our Savior brings His gifts of lasting joy, lasting peace, lasting hope. It was the adult Christ who reached out and touched the untouchable, who loved the unlovable, who so loved us all that even in His agony on the cross He prayed forgiveness for His enemies.

This is the Christ, creator of worlds without number, who wept, Enoch tell us, because so many of us lack affection and hate each other–and then who willingly gave His life for all of us, including those for whom He wept.

This is the Christ, the adult Christ, who gave us the perfect example, and asked us to follow Him. Accepting that invitation is the way-the only way-to celebrate Christmas all year and all life long."

-William B. Smart

He Is Risen- Simon Dewey

From Facebook- My Body

Originally posted on Facebook Feb. 2012

My Body

"It is a particular and exquisitely unique pain to want something with every fiber of your being, to yearn for something on every level: spiritual, physical, biological, emotional, social. And to feel betrayed by yourself, the very essence and expression of you in the physical world: your body. ...

I developed a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is not based on the barometer of happy events in my life. And I learned applications of Gospel principles that I have since found essential in coping with other trials. I would not trade these lessons for all the money in the world."

-From a blog I read. She was talking about her infertility issues. However, I felt the first paragraph really stood out to me as being equally applicable to the challenges of being physically disabled. On the positive side, I also feel the same sentiments expressed in the second paragraph, it's hard- but I wouldn't change my struggles for anything because they've shaped me into who I am, and I like the person I am and becoming.

Oquirrh Mountain Temple

  ***I thought a picture of a temple would be appropriate for this post because as they say, 

the body is a temple of God. (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)***

From Facebook- "Your Happily Ever After"

Originally posted on Facebook July 2011

"Your Happily Ever After"- Pres. Uchtdorf Excerpts and Additional Thoughts by Me

"You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father prepared to come to the Earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose. ...

Isn't it remarkable to know that our eternal Heavenly Father knows you, hears you, watches over you, and loves you with an infinite love? ...

Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy. ...

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop. ... Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own 'happily ever after.' ...

We all search for happiness, and we all try to find our own 'happily ever after.' The truth is, God knows how to get there! And He has created a map for you; He knows the way. He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness. He desires with all the love of a perfect and pure Father that you reach your supernal destination. The map is available to all. ...

All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan. ...

Some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God's path for you. And that path will take you to your 'happily ever after' destination. 'Happily ever after' is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father's map. ...

Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your 'once upon a time' is now. ...

And the day will come when you turn the final pages of your own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words: 'and they lived happily ever after.'"

- President Uchtdorf, "Your Happily Ever After", General Young Women's Conference, April 2010

 

Here's a link to the full talk. (Although I copied probably half to three-fourths of the talk here, the rest is still very much worth reading!)

I absolutely love this talk. It perfectly captures the wish and dream of every little girl who waits for the day when she will eventually experience her own personal fairy tale, and live her own "Happily Ever After". I know I have been that little girl once, and in some ways I'm still that girl. 

I walked away from this talk appreciating a little more the adversities I have, and will yet have, in my life. For I know that the adversities I have in my life are ultimately for my good. To make me grow and be stronger. To mold me into the person I am destined to become. I will not let my trials go to waste, and get the best of me. Everyone has to go through hardship, so why suffer in vain? Why not make the most of it and try to learn whatever lessons may be learned through the trial and experience? I know this is so much easier said than done. But I hope I can learn to do this better and better each trial I face. Besides, with the struggle- victory is that much sweeter. I am making a commitment that if I must suffer through the trial to begin with, then I will find and utilize the blessings to be found within the trial rather than just suffer through and never receive the blessings.

I also walked away from this talk wanting to make the most of my life, my "once upon a time" so to speak, and live up to the potential within me as a literal spirit daughter of God. I walked away reminded that I know I have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, and as my Father, He loves me more than I can ever hope to comprehend. He is with me every step of the way; He always has been, and I know He always will be. 

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church on the Earth today. I know that this church is not a church of men, but of the Savior, Jesus Christ. And always has been since Christ restored the Gospel through the prophet Joseph Smith. And He (Christ) continues to lead and guide the Church through the current prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. I know that the Twelve Apostles are also called by God to give us counsel and guidance from our Heavenly Father.

I know that the Atonement is real, and that it works. I know the Savior took upon my own personal sins, sorrows, disappointments, and pain. The Atonement has made it possible to repent of my many sins. And through the Savior and His incredible Atonement, I can- and WILL- have my own Happily Ever After.

I am so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father and Savior who love and care enough about me to provide this Earth, my body (as broken and disfigured as it may be), and this testing period. I'm so grateful that I had enough faith to follow Heavenly Father's plan in the premortal existence and agree to-even be excited to!-come to Earth. And I pray that I may continue to have the faith necessary to continue to follow Heavenly Father's plan for me through my mortal existence. This mortal life truly is a blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. But man does that blink of an eye sure have a huge influence over, and even determines, the rest of your eternity! I hope that I have the faith and endurance that it takes to hold on and never let go of what I KNOW to be true. Somehow I have the confidence that I DO have what it takes. Of course with MUCH assistance from my Savior and Heavenly Father.

I love the Church, and more importantly the Gospel it contains. I love the Atonement and the Savior who made it possible. Finally, I love my Heavenly Father. To sum everything up simply, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.

From Facebook- My Testimony on Trials

Originally posted on Facebook Sept. 2010

It truly boggles my mind to realize that people believe that since there is pain and suffering in the world then that has to equate to the fact that God doesn't exist. I can only make sense of this with the conclusion that people must have a misperception of what God is really all about. They think that IF there was a God- then everything in life would be good. Everything would work out exactly how they want it to and there would be no pain or suffering. So when the inevitable happens- life doesn't go as planned, and bad things happen- then that must mean that God doesn't exist, or that He doesn't care.

Well here's what I know...

I know that God allows us to suffer, because if He didn't, we would never grow. And that would defeat the whole purpose of this life. For it truly is during our hard times that we grow and develop. And hopefully for the better. I also know that God NEVER leaves us alone during our hard times- or our good. He doesn't expect us to make it through this life on our own left to our own devices. That's why He provided a Savior for us. Isn't it so incredible that we have a Savior who knows EXACTLY how we feel? Who understands us perfectly? And who has the ability to take our pain upon Himself, and away from us? 

Precious in His Sight- Greg Olsen

***This is one of my favorite pictures of Christ***

My testimony of Heavenly Father, and the Savior makes any pain, disappointment, etc. I have to endure in life- and in my mere 20 years, I've already endured a lot- worth it. It's helped shape the person I am, and hopefully it continues to shape me into a better person as I continue through life.

I also know that God, without fail, compensates us for our pain and suffering. I think sometimes we get so caught up in things that are wrong in our lives that we forget to look around and take note of all the GOOD things in our lives. We don't have those good things by accident. We need to thank God for all the good things instead of always just complaining about the bad.

This isn't meant to be preachy. Trust me, I've done my fair share of complaining and asking, "Why me?" And I'll probably do some more complaining and asking, "Why me?" before my lifetime is up. But through all of the eventual hard times I'll yet endure, I know deep down with everything I have that despite all of my many imperfections, I have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who love me, and only want the very best for me. And because of that love They provided a way back to Them. And that way is not a path I have to take alone, because if I did- I would never make it. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, and I love the Gospel with my whole heart. It makes this life, and all that I have to endure within it, absolutely worth it. I just hope that I will stay faithful, and not let my pain and trials be a waste in my life.    

From Facebook- 25 Lovely Facts About Yours Truly

So I have a few "notes" on Facebook that I would also like to have here on this blog. Therefore, the next 5 (including this post) will all be from there. If you've already read this, and the others, from Facebook- feel free to reread or ignore. I honestly don't care either way. :)

Originally posted on Facebook Feb. 2009

25 Lovely Facts About Myself...
1. I HATE Spiders with every fiber of my being. I cannot look at a picture of a spider (TV, magazine, whatever) or touch a fake spider. I can't even touch the picture of a spider. However, if I am in a room and see a spider I can't leave the room until it is killed. That way I KNOW it is killed and it doesn't crawl somewhere where I can't find it. Oh- and I mentally can't kill a spider. Even if it's on the floor, or low enough on the wall.  ***An awesome saying I heard which I feels accurately depicts my feelings about spiders: "Spiders are little pieces of death wrapped in scary."- Yep that about sums it up quite nicely.***

2. I am the biggest night owl EVER!! I can stay up like nobody's business. Going to bed at midnight is an early night for me. Even when I go to bed at 2 a.m. and wake up at 8 a.m., I will still be able to stay up till 2 again. I get my second wind around 10 p.m.

3. On the flip side though- I am so NOT a morning person. Anything before 10 a.m. is early. No joke. I LOVE sleeping in!!! So basically- I'm the last one to bed, and the last one up.

4. I graduated from high school with a 4.0 GPA, which I consider one of my greatest achievements. It was a goal I made at the beginning of 7th grade, and it was an amazing feeling graduating knowing I'd kept that goal.
           ***Update: I graduated college with a 3.88 GPA- another accomplishment I am very humbly proud of.***

5. I watch a TON of TV. It's one of the ways my family bonds together. My favorite TV shows are (in order): Gilmore Girls, LOST, FRIENDS, and Bewitched. ***And Psych- thanks Kinz & Tom!!***

6. I also LOVE to read. Since the list of activities is limited (I'm not going to be joining a sports team anytime soon... it's just not in the cards. Plus I wouldn't even if I could- I hate sports.), I read. When I really like a book I can finish it within a couple of DAYS. Even 500 page books can be read in 2-3 days. This is where the night owl thing really comes in handy. I especially like romance books.

7. Along with entertainment, my family has certain movies that are "Jackman Family Classics." Among these are: The 'Burbs (if you haven't seen, or even heard of this movie... then you are missing out one of life's greatest pleasures!!), Father of the Bride I and II, Three Amigos, and others- I just can't think of them. 

8. My ALL TIME FAVORITE song in the whole wide world is Leaving by Agnes Poetry. They're a Utah local band (from like the 90's, they've split up. I've heard them from my siblings.). I know of this song because they play this song at the end of every high school dance. I have some amazing memories with this song!!

9. I LOVE Brian Regan. He's hilarious, and I quote him often with my brother. (I give him 2 thumbs WAY up!! 4 Stars!!!!)

10. My absolute favorite place in the whole world is Lake Powell. I've gone 2 times a year since I can remember. Rarely have I missed a year.

11. My favorite thing to do at Lake Powell is look at the stars. They are GORGEOUS!! 

12. My other favorite thing to do at Lake Powell is sit in the boat at sunset and read. 

13. Sunset in my favorite time of day. It's the prettiest, and not to hot or cold.

14. I LOVE chocolate. Especially M&M's. Actually when I was little, I couldn't pronounce M&M's right, so I said "M-e-M's."

15. I love popcorn!!! And it can't be light on the butter!!!

16. I can read lips. This is due to the fact that I'm partially deaf, so when I was younger before I got hearing aids, I would read lips to help understand what people were saying. Even to this day, after about 13 years WITH hearing aids, I still look at people's mouth while they are talking. If they cover their mouth, or I can't see their mouth for whatever reason, it makes it so much harder for me to understand what they are saying. 

17. Because I'm partially deaf and do use hearing aids, I like music and movies loud!! I hate it when I go to someone's house and they watch TV or movies with the sound way down. 

18. My mom is my best friend in the whole wide world!! I swear sometimes she knows me better than I know myself!!

19. My Aunt Taunie is like a second mom to me. She came everyday for a year when I was born to help my mom care for me. Because of this we were really close. I would sleepover at her house all the time, and we'd have pretend cooking shows, and popcorn parties. She still is my all time favorite aunt!!

20. I have received two blessings from two different apostles. One from Elder (now President) Eyring, and another from Elder Scott. Both were for major back surgeries I was about to have.

21. I have had 4-5 surgeries (depends on whether you count my trach or not). I've had 2 back surgeries (both times putting rods in my back. I have 2 rods going down the whole back), a hip surgery, a leg surgery, and a trach. Despite all the surgeries and time in the hospital- I have never broken a bone. On my own, doctors have broken some for me during surgery, but I've never done it myself.

22. I have what is called Stickler Syndrome. You've never heard of it before, and probably never will for the rest of your life. It's a VERY rare disease that affects the skeletal system (among other things) and causes me to have really large joints. That's why I can't make a fist. 

23. My family makes fun of me for being handicapped. Now before you start in on the "Oh my gosh!! That's so horrible and mean!!" I love them for it. It forces me to get over the fact that I'm handicapped ("disabled", "specially challenged", whatever the heck you want to call it.) and get on with my life. If you can't laugh at yourself... then you're in a sad position in life. Now- this is not to say I'm fine with making fun of people. It's quite the opposite. My family does not mean what they say in the slightest, and the minute that they would mean it- then we'd have a problem. They only say stuff like, "Thanks for getting the handicap parking, Jess. That's the real reason why we keep you around." or stuff like that. 

24. Because of the way my family treats me, and how I've been raised- I think of myself as "normal." My family also views me as normal (which allows them to make fun of me) and sometimes forget that I'm handicapped.

25. The Gospel means absolutely everything to me. Without the Gospel I honestly don't know how I'd make it through this life in one piece with any semblance of happiness. Knowing that I can live with my family forever, one day have the perfect body I've always dreamed of, and live with my Heavenly Father again-makes this life worth it- that's what keeps me going. THE CHURCH IS TRUE!!!!

Explanation

So you may or may not have wondered about the title of this blog. It comes from a story that was shared by President Monson in his talk, "Charity Never Faileth", he gave during the Relief Society General Conference in October 2010. I'm going to copy the story below...

"A classic account of judging by appearance was printed in a national magazine many years ago. It is a true account—one which you may have heard but which bears repeating.

A woman by the name of Mary Bartels had a home directly across the street from the entrance to a hospital clinic. Her family lived on the main floor and rented the upstairs rooms to outpatients at the clinic.

One evening a truly awful-looking old man came to the door asking if there was room for him to stay the night. He was stooped and shriveled, and his face was lopsided from swelling—red and raw. He said he’d been hunting for a room since noon but with no success. “I guess it’s my face,” he said. “I know it looks terrible, but my doctor says it could possibly improve after more treatments.” He indicated he’d be happy to sleep in the rocking chair on the porch. As she talked with him, Mary realized this little old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. Although her rooms were filled, she told him to wait in the chair and she’d find him a place to sleep.

At bedtime Mary’s husband set up a camp cot for the man. When she checked in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and he was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, he asked if he could return the next time he had a treatment. “I won’t put you out a bit,” he promised. “I can sleep fine in a chair.” Mary assured him he was welcome to come again.

In the several years he went for treatments and stayed in Mary’s home, the old man, who was a fisherman by trade, always had gifts of seafood or vegetables from his garden. Other times he sent packages in the mail.

When Mary received these thoughtful gifts, she often thought of a comment her next-door neighbor made after the disfigured, stooped old man had left Mary’s home that first morning. “Did you keep that awful-looking man last night? I turned him away. You can lose customers by putting up such people.”

Mary knew that maybe they had lost customers once or twice, but she thought, “Oh, if only they could have known him, perhaps their illnesses would have been easier to bear.”

After the man passed away, Mary was visiting with a friend who had a greenhouse. As she looked at her friend’s flowers, she noticed a beautiful golden chrysanthemum but was puzzled that it was growing in a dented, old, rusty bucket. Her friend explained, “I ran short of pots, and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn’t mind starting in this old pail. It’s just for a little while, until I can put it out in the garden.”

Mary smiled as she imagined just such a scene in heaven. “Here’s an especially beautiful one,” God might have said when He came to the soul of the little old man. “He won’t mind starting in this small, misshapen body.” But that was long ago, and in God’s garden how tall this lovely soul must stand!"

When I first heard the story in that Conference I immediately burst into tears. How I desperately hope that when Heavenly Father placed me into this broken body of mine, He was thinking, "Here's an especially beautiful one. She won't mind starting in this small, misshapen body." But more importantly how I hope that I will one day stand very tall in God's garden when all is said and done.

So this is why I named the blog, "Broken Flower Pot". Because I often feel very much like a broken and worn down flower pot. And when the world looks at me, I'm sure that's what most people see- a small "broken" body. But luckily I know that people don't buy flower pots to just have the pots. No they buy them to place beautiful flowers in them... and then they look at the flowers, not the pot. And hopefully it's the same with bodies and souls. I hope my soul is someday beautiful enough (and heaven knows I have a LOOOONG ways to go to get there!!!) that no one really notices the broken body.

Hello and Welcome

I've been toying with the idea of starting my own blog for a while. I'm not a writer- I despised writing in college. Plus, blogging was something only married people did. Especially if they had kids. Well I am definitely not currently on a path leading towards marriage anytime soon, and kids... not even a possibility until the marriage thing happens. But I do have some thoughts I'd like to write down, and even share with others if they're interested. But I don't necessarily want to share them on Facebook. And I don't want to start a hand written journal. Since we're all so accustomed to computers and typing, I feel like hand writing something has become too tedious. Especially when you want to go back and add something in you've forgotten!! :) So the solution... start a blog. 


So welcome. I hope you enjoy what you read here. I plan to post quotes/thoughts I find online, as well as my own thoughts on my life and life in general. I hope this blog helps you to think a little, be inspired, and even uplifted. So if you're interested, feel free to read and comment. If not, that's fine too. I hope you all have a fantastic day!!