Calvin Spencer Jackman

1 month. It's been one month since the day that everything changed. I can't believe how slowly and fast time can go by all at once. It seems like everything happened so long ago, and yet it also seems like it was all just last week.

While I have reached a place of peace, my heart still hurts. It hurts for Spencer and Tiffany. But also for me. I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews- especially when they're babies. My mom and I will even fight with each other over whose turn it is to hold a baby. And it broke my heart knowing that when I held him in the hospital for a few precious moments, that would be the only time I would ever be able to hold him in this lifetime. It also broke my heart going into the hospital room after he was delivered and seeing Tiffany holding Calvin, crying and then look down at him and say, "I wanted you so much." I truly have not seen a couple be more excited to be parents than Tiffany and Spencer.

During this whole experience I just kept thinking over and over (among a lot of other thoughts that kept running through my mind) how grateful I was to have the Gospel. To have the assurance that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what the reasons are. To know that there is SO much more than this mortal experience- death is NOT the end! Families can be, and are, eternal. Spencer and Tiffany will be given the opportunity to raise their son in the Millennium. He is a part of our family forever, and we all will see and hold him again. All of that knowledge that I've gained from the Gospel gives me so much peace and comfort. Additionally, to know that the Savior provided an Atonement that not only takes away our sins through repentance, but also takes away our pains, sorrows, disappointments, etc. if we allow it has been a priceless blessing. How do people survive this world without that knowledge?!

I have always loved the doctrine of the Plan of Salvation. I always said that knowledge of the Plan of Salvation is what made this life all worth it. My love and appreciate for the Plan has deepened since the addition of Calvin in our family. I was already anxious for the next lifetime to receive a perfected body. Now I can't WAIT because then I'll also be reunited with Calvin. I honestly am so excited to get to know his sweet personality/spirit someday.

While I would never willingly choose to have my family go through this trial, I have loved the blessings that have come through this trial. Namely our family growing closer together. Our family is already close, but we're even closer now. And for me personally, especially to Tiffany. I already loved her before. But now she's not my "sister-in-law", she's just my sister. I know that sounds kind of cheesy- but I mean it. The examples of strength and love between Spencer and Tiffany through everything have been such a blessing and given me so much peace and comfort.

Because this post is already long, I'll wrap it all up with sharing the sentiments Ralph Sartori (a family friend, currently serving as a mission president in Russia) expressed to Spencer and Tiffany that was also shared at the memorial service. That was that this was just a "postponement of joy". I love that. What a beautifully positive way to view this whole experience. And it is so true. The reunions between everyone and Calvin is going to be so joyous.

I would love to share photos of him with you. But I feel that those photos are not mine to share. Tiffany has posted pictures on her blog, but her blog is private. As mine is not- I will not be posting pictures. They are too precious and sacred to share with just anyone who might happen upon this blog of mine. But just imagine 5 lbs. 9 oz., 18 1/2 inches long of absolute perfection!! :) He looked so much like Spencer, but definitely had touches of Tiffany in his lips and nose, and had her dark hair. I can't wait to hold him again. I love you so much Calvin!!